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Mollusk in hand, he told me many people believe they're an aphrodisiac. Obviously, along with the rest of the Western world, I already knew this.

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Piers was becoming a little tiring. But I didn't have to stick with him for long. Five oysters deep, he had a lightbulb moment. You look like this girl in an article I read the other day. He got out his phone to try to show me. I said something about powdering my nose and just walked out of the restaurant. Unlike Piers, my second date, Henri, was on time to meet me at the station.

He told me he didn't want to go for a drink around Sloane Square as it was too pretentious. We got to a bar and he immediately opened up a tab with his credit card. Two more champagne cocktails down, and we were getting on swimmingly.

He talked to me about how he worked at a well-known music corporation. After the incident with Piers, I did feel slightly nervous. It was a little too close to home. When he started bringing up record labels and music journalism, I thought the game was up once more. But we nattered about Metallica and J-pop until I managed to change the subject.

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Because Henri was less boorish, I was being asked a lot of questions between sips of champagne. And questions meant answers. Where did I live? Which media company did I own? Where did I own property? He pushed for details, and while I tried to remain elusive, I was losing track of my convoluted lies.

This must be what it's like to work in PR, I thought. My vague answers just seemed to spur him on. He showed me the app from his side of the game. By the time Henri adamantly told me that he was going to buy me dinner, I began to suspect that he was testing me. I wasn't going to find out either way, because I had dinner plans elsewhere. I was pretty pissed at this point and had to check Luxy for the name. She said there were two Tarquins eating at 8 PM and offered me two surnames.

I had no idea.

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Luckily, a man was already waving me over excitedly. By this point I was the kind of ravenous you only get when you're wasted in your kitchen at 4 AM. There was a bucket of fancy bread on the table. I dunked it in butter and shoved it in my mouth like I was at a pie-eating contest. Tarquin seemed to take pleasure in this.

When the waiter came over, Tarquin asked me if I would like to pick the booze. I chose red wine and let my date pick one of the priciest. I wanted something I couldn't afford for the meal. I was initially going to go for halibut, but didn't want to look trashy. So I ordered the second-most expensive fish dish and two sides of fries in case it was those tiny portions you get in fancy restaurants.

We chatted about his numerous trips to the Proms, Chopin, hunting, and our mutual interest: gourmet dining.

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There were no sexual undertones whatsoever. It was like going for dinner with your wealthy, Tory uncle. I had a ridiculously priced ice cream and conveniently excused myself to use the ladies' room while he got the bill. Walking back to the station, Tarquin made plans for the following week.

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After a pause and very unsubtle side-eye, he quietly added: "And a stay, perhaps? The timeless suites, I think, would be particularly suitable. That was my cue to leave.


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